Lessons Gleaned from Fathers' Handling of Packaging Materials
Diaper Bags and Mental Stress: Lessons Fathers Can Learn from Mothers During Parental Leave
In modern families, the traditional distribution of childcare responsibilities is gradually shifting, with an increasing number of fathers taking extended parental leave. While such leave offers temporary relief for mothers, many still experience unrelieved mental stress, according to family coach Mihaly Szöcs.
Szöcs leads a bi-weekly fathers' group in Cologne, where he discusses the mental stress of parental leave. Many fathers, he notes, question the workload that their partners have carried for months or even years while on leave. The men find solace in sharing their experiences within the group, a forum they would not have otherwise, according to Szöcs.
"They are often among mothers in playgroups," he explains. "There, they are either the only male and admired for small things or they are eyed suspiciously." Achieving a sense of normalcy is often challenging for these men. However, in the fathers' gathering, they feel comfortable and relaxed, allowing for a unique form of exchange among men, Szöcs adds.
Research shows that about one-third of fathers take parental leave. A 2022 study by the Federal Institute for Population Research reveals that 75% of fathers who receive parental allowance take only two months off, usually concurrently with the mother. An extension of state payments from 12 to 14 months is believed to be the reason for this trend. Fewer than one in ten fathers take more than two months of parental leave.
During this time, fathers seldom bear sole responsibility. Data from a current Bertelsmann study on parental leave reveals that these two months of leave have little impact on the interruption of mothers' careers. Employers perceive this time as a longer vacation, the study suggests.
Mental load, defined as the sum of tasks on an invisible to-do list in one's head, is a significant cause of stress, falling most often on mothers. In a December 2024 study by the University of Bath and Melbourne, mothers were found to bear around 71% of the mental tasks in the household, while fathers took on only 45%.
In the care of children, Szöcs points out a simple yet telling difference between mothers and fathers: the art of packing a diaper bag. "Mothers are extremely good at packing diaper bags," he explains. "They hardly forget anything and have everything with them." Fathers, with practice, may catch up, but the 'it'll be fine' mentality of many fathers, which does not cause stress even when they are not present, often causes friction in parent relationships.
To resolve such conflicts, effective communication is essential. The goal should not be to agree on everything; rather, both parents need to develop a high level of tolerance, according to Szöcs. Writing down recurring tasks can help both partners remain aware of their obligations. Rather than developing specific specialties, Szöcs suggests that both parents should feel secure in multiple areas, fostering a sense of comfort and adaptability in children.
Fathers taking parental leave encounter numerous practical obstacles, including lack of flexibility from employers, traditional gender roles in companies, and financial hurdles. The Federal Ministry for Family, Senior Citizens, Women, and Youth addresses these issues in a paper on family-conscious personnel policy, criticizing the challenges facing men wishing to take longer parental leave.
In December 2024, former Austrian SPÖ politician Michael Lindner decided to resign from political offices to care for his sons full-time, providing a notable example for other fathers. The image of men as fathers needs to be rethought, according to Szöcs, who often tells the fathers in his group that they are role models. By putting family before career, even temporarily, these fathers demonstrate a new way of fatherhood that benefits their children and relationships.
The benefits of extended parental leave for fathers are well-established. A 2018 study by the RWI Leibniz Institute revealed that fathers with parental leave spend about 90 minutes more with their children on weekends in the first six years of the child's life compared to absent fathers. In the critical first two years, when the sense of security is formed, the presence of fathers strengthens the bond with their offspring in the long term.
For families to achieve better balance, mothers must learn to let go and reduce their mental load, according to Szöcs. In modern society, the mental load can become extreme as people juggle an endless array of topics and tasks, leading to potential mental load burnout. "Otherwise, you'll miss the moment when you can go out together as a family and simply enjoy doing nothing," he warns.
[1] https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4314499/[2] https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3028682/[3] https://www.unicefusa.org/stories/equal-rights-leave-parents-working-families/60963[4] https://www.health.harvard.edu/staying-healthy/mindfulness[5] https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/ten-things-happy-people-dont-do/201510/9-things-happy-couples-do-differently-unhappy-ones
- To alleviate mental stress during parental leave, fathers may find it beneficial to explore community policies that promote equal distribution of responsibilities, such as employment policies supportive of shared parental leave. Such policies could not only help fathers take on a more equal share of caring responsibilities but also reduce the mental load that often falls disproportionately on mothers.
- As an additional step towards promoting well-being during parenting, fathers could invest time in understanding science-backed health-and-wellness practices, parenting techniques, and lifestyle choices. This enhanced knowledge could contribute to improved relationships with their children and partners, thus reducing stress and fostering a healthier home environment.
