When Retiring Shakes Up Your Couple Life: Coping With a New Phase Together
Navigating Matrimonial Life Beyond Work: Fresh Obstacles for Retired Couples
Retirement might seem like a dreamy escape from the mundane work routine, but it often brings challenges to a couple's life. From a domineering presence at home to unexpected emotions, here's how to navigate through these changes and make the most of this new chapter.
First, let's imagine the classic scenario: Mr. Lohse, the department store manager, transforming into a mustard purchasing powerhouse. While this might seem like a hilarious situation, it causes distress for many spouses. Women, in particular, cry out for help, "What now? My husband is retiring! How do we handle this?" So, what's the deal? Why does this change bother so many people?
Psychologist Janina Buhler from the University of Mainz explains, "It's felt as an invasion of one's own control and territory." With years of established roles, there might be an unconscious accusation: "You didn't care about how things were done before."
Some women suddenly feel under constant observation and control in their homes with a new "disruptor"– the husband. Particularly when he previously held leadership positions and status at work, his decision-making and assertive behavior at home become inappropriate and unwanted.
However, it's important to note that the new "boss" at home is not the sole culprit. Rolf Schmiel, a Cologne psychologist, author, and podcaster, states, "The problem isn't the new domination. The problem becomes more visible after retirement."
For example, the couple might realize their lives have been separate, maintaining a low conflict density due to differing work schedules. Suddenly being together all the time, the cracks in the relationship become apparent, exposing whether their worlds still fit together or if they collide.
Work often functioned as an escape, allowing individuals to live their lives separately. Retirement forces you both to confront this reality, creating feelings of loneliness and uncertainty.
Couples psychologist Christine Backhaus refers to these as the stages of a partnership. After periods of getting to know each other, falling in love, building a home and family, and taking stock, retirement signifies the end of the active working phase. The challenge lies in discovering a new purpose and renewing close bonds, boundaries, respect, and needs.
Backhaus describes this as the "winter" of the relationship. The meaningful task is gone, the relationship is shattered, and the body no longer cooperates—or so it seems. Rolf Schmiel calls this the "trinity of the sad pensioner's fate."
So, what can be done to face and conquer these challenges?
While adjusting to retirement, couples have three strategies:
- Growing closer by sharing projects or experiences like getting a pet, learning a new skill, or traveling.
- Separating activities with time apart.
- Balancing both, focusing on common interests and maintaining individual projects as well.
According to Janina Buhler, open communication is key to a fruitful retirement as partners must acknowledge the challenges and view it as an opportunity. Schmiel encourages men to face their fears bravely to remain lovable.
In general, navigating retirement involves addressing emotional fears, adapting to new roles, and actively working to create a fulfilling new phase in your partnership. Don't forget to openly discuss your expectations, concerns, and wishes with your partner, as the unsaid can poison your life.
- To navigate the changes that retirement brings to a couple's lifestyle, one can consider vocational training as a way to share new experiences and grow closer, fostering a sense of purpose and renewed bond.
- As aging may affect relationships and expose the cracks in a partnership, it's essential to implement strategies such as separating activities with time apart, focusing on common interests, and maintaining individual projects to ensure a healthy balance.
- Furthermore, in the "winter" of a relationship during retirement, open communication is crucial for addressing emotional fears and challenges, as well as viewing this phase as an opportunity for growth and renewal in the health-and-wellness aspect of one's life and relationships.
