Sibling Relationships Can Change: Strategies for Preserving Them

As parents age and eventually pass away, sibling relationships often shift significantly, influenced by caregiving roles, emotional stress, and unresolved family dynamics. These changes can either strengthen bonds through shared responsibilities or create distance and conflict, especially if caregiving duties are perceived as unequal or stressful.

Key ways sibling relationships change include:

Increased caregiving roles: Often one or more siblings take on major caregiving responsibilities, sometimes leading to resentment or burnout if others contribute less.
Resurfacing family conflicts: Stress from caregiving can bring old disputes back to the surface, threatening sibling harmony.
Emotional stress and grief: Beyond handling parents’ needs, siblings may grieve changes in family structure and feel emotional burden as roles shift.

Strategies to maintain or reconnect sibling relationships during and after parents’ aging include:

Open and honest communication: Discuss expectations, responsibilities, and feelings early to prevent misunderstandings and resentment.
Fair division of caregiving tasks: Strive for equitable sharing of duties, acknowledging different siblings' abilities and limits.
Setting personal boundaries to manage stress and avoid burnout, while still honoring collective caregiving goals.
Focusing on shared experiences and mutual support can reinforce sibling bonds despite challenges.
Seeking external support such as family counseling or mediation may help resolve conflicts productively.

One example of a reconnected sibling relationship is that of Christina Steinorth-Powell, a psychotherapist in Nashville, Tenn., who reconnected with her brother after the death of their mother. They had been estranged for some time, but the process of planning the funeral and sorting through the estate helped them reconnect.

A close bond with a sibling at a young age can predict lower levels of anxiety and depressive symptoms at a later age. Katherine J. Conger, a professor emerita in the Department of Human Ecology at the University of California at Davis, notes that research suggests that most sibling relationships become a little warmer or more positive as people age, but this is more likely to occur for siblings who have stayed in touch, share similar life interests, and live close to each other.

However, some sibling relationships end in estrangement after a parent's death. One man has been estranged from his brother for 17 years due to unknown reasons after their mother's death. In such cases, seeking external support can be crucial in resolving conflicts.

Parents can help strengthen the sibling bond by teaching children how to resolve conflicts themselves. Resources are available for parents to learn how to help their children build lasting sibling relationships.

Tensions between siblings that have long existed can be magnified by the death of a parent. Geoffrey L. Greif, a professor at the University of Maryland School of Social Work, notes that about 15% to 20% of people consider their siblings close friends, while more often there is ambivalence and ambiguity in sibling relationships.

Maintaining contact with siblings, even through simple gestures like sharing memories or jokes, can help prevent relationships from fading away. Mark Henick, a Canadian mental health advocate, suggests this as a way to keep sibling relationships alive.

Avidan Milevsky, author of Sibling Issues in Therapy and a research scientist at Ariel University in Israel, notes that sibling relationships can be powerful and long-lasting. He explains that one typical trajectory for sibling relationships is that they are close as children, less so after leaving home and starting families, and then reconnect more strongly in their 50s or 60s as children leave or work life slows down.

Recognizing the complexity of this transition and intentionally fostering empathy and collaboration are important to preserving sibling relationships during these life changes.

The stress and responsibilities associated with aging parents can lead to increased caregiving roles among siblings, potentially fostering mental-health issues such as resentment, burnout, and emotional stress.
Understanding the complexity of this transition and promoting empathy and fair division of caregiving tasks can help maintain or reconnect sibling relationships, with shared experiences and external support playing crucial roles in strengthening bonds.